Discipline vs Punishment

Discipline vs Punishment

Good behavior is a learning process for children, and we are their roadmap. Children usually behave per their own emotions and impulses. At the same time, being a parent is also a learning process and sometimes we rely on our own emotions and impulses to teach. Usually, that means we divert directly to punishments when a child misbehaves, missing a crucial opportunity to teach them. With that said, let’s break down how to teach good behavior through discipline vs. punishment.

Let’s compare the two words and what they really mean:

• Punishment – means to inflict pain or suffering as a penalty.
• Discipline – means to teach.

It’s understandable that we as parents can get very frustrated when a child misbehaves, specifically when they make the same poor behavior choices over and over. At the same time, if we have clear goals to teach good behavior skills, then we can respond better. The better we respond, the better the results.

WHAT ARE OUR GOALS FOR OUR CHILDREN WHEN THEY MISBEHAVE?

• Our first goal is to get them to cooperate. This is primarily short-term.
• The second goal that we don’t always consider is more long-term, and that is to make better choices without the threat of punishment or consequences.
• To accomplish this, we need to consider both as often as possible. To accomplish this requires that you are patient, present, and intentional.

Now, let’s look at how punishment and discipline compare when accomplishing our goal of developing good behavior skills…

PUNISHMENT VS. DISCIPLINE:

• Punishment may shut down a behavior, but if you teach your child, then they will develop self-discipline skills such as managing emotions and impulses.
• When you discipline, you maintain a high relationship between trust and self-confidence.
• When you punish, you build a proverbial wall and decrease one’s trust self-confidence.

With that said, it makes sense to have a strategy for disciplining a child when they misbehave…

3-steps of discipline

It makes sense to have a strategy for disciplining a child when they misbehave.  Here are three steps to follow:

1. CONNECT

This doesn’t mean to be permissible or passive, but to ensure that as you begin to set clear expectations, your child calms down emotionally and feels your loving/ caring approach. When a child is upset, they are less likely to hear what you are saying. You must be patient so that you remain as calm as possible during the process, which is the hardest but most stress-free way to discipline.

2. RE-DIRECT

List out what the poor behavior choice was as well as what the proper behavior choice is, see Melody Johnson’s podcast Episode 12: ‘Making Choices’ for more information. This requires you to be present so that you can clearly calculate the desired outcome.

3. REPAIR

Discuss necessary steps on how to solve the current behavior problem, review better choices, and set ground rules should the poor behavior choices continue. This requires you to be intentional in your actions so that your long-term goals start to take shape.

Of course, this strategy won’t work all the time, so it’s also important to have a backup strategy. For starters, it’s better to say ‘consequences’ instead of ‘punishments’ so that your intentions are more goal-oriented versus pain-oriented.

When are consequences ok?

Only after you’ve you have worked through the 3 steps of discipline and still, your child intentionally disobeys the ground rules.

What type of consequences are ok?

One that matches the behavior. For example: if the child throws her iPad in an impulsive rage, then taking away her iPad for 48 hours is considered a reasonable consequence. (A week is a long period and could potentially trigger more anger and rage. The goal is to teach her, but also empower her to self-correct her behavior in the future. The smaller time frame will teach her that throwing things is not acceptable, but at the same time, you trust that she will re-correct this behavior within the next few days.)

What type of consequence are not ok?

One that is retroactive. For example: taking away good things isn’t the best consequence, such as karate lessons, which positively reinforce self-discipline. Although parents may think this is a good move because it’s an activity they like a lot and the pain of losing karate will teach them a valuable lesson, it’s doing the opposite. Pain infliction based on taking away something they like may cause more misbehavior and instill long-term damage in their trust for you. Also, strongly consider the fact that they lose all the positive benefits karate reinforces such as discipline, confidence, fitness, positive social interaction, and more.

One that decreases morale. For example: taking away a student’s belt will shame the child, which decreases self-esteem. Public humiliation will leave a permanent footprint in the child’s brain, specifically a negative one. For every negative footprint left, self-esteem and morale decrease. The more children lack self-confidence and morale, the lesser chance you have of them believing in themselves to make proper behavior choices.

So, what do you do if you have a child that is misbehaving all the time with bits of rage, back-talking, and defying the rules?

You map out a productive strategy that includes a method for building proper behavior habits along with pre-determined consequences. For example: if you hit someone, then you must write a letter to the person you hit (or if you are younger, you must apologize face to face with a specific pre-framed apology).

• If you throw something, then you lose a personal item for 48 hours.

• If you show poor manners, then you must re-enact the proper manner if you are younger, or write a letter about having better manners. All of this should be pre-framed.

• If you wake up late for school because you stayed up late the night before, then you must go to bed an hour earlier for the next two days.

At the same time, if you want consequences to work then you also need rewards. Reward your child when she goes a week without misbehaving. (This time frame may be shorter or longer depending on the child.) Also, the best rewards are not material things, but more relationship-building rewards. For example, she can pick to go to a family movie or a special place for a family dinner.

One suggestion is to make a list of rewards and consequences so that you are prepared.

Now, what if you’ve tried this strategy and it doesn’t work?

For starters, be sure to give it time. If you are struggling with your child, then you must be reasonable on how long it will take to develop better behavior choices. It won’t happen overnight, and at the same time, she may get better and then fall off track again.

However, if you’ve tried these strategies for a solid month with no success, then the next step is to bring in an expert. Chances are there are some neurological deficiencies there that are interfering with her development.

Bottom line, the three biggest takeaways from this are:

• Discipline is the better, more positively productive method for instilling long-term behavior skills.

• Connect, re-direct, and repair is the 3-step method for developing self-discipline skills.

• When necessary, the consequences are more productive than punishments. Avoid consequences that are retroactive or ones that decrease morale. Be sure to add rewards as well.

We hope this article sheds some positive light on how to help your child make better behavior choices!

Whole-Brain Parenting : Engaging the Brain for Optimal Development

 

Whole-Brain Parenting

Engaging the Brain for Optimal Development

 

 

On any given day, we may experience moments of high emotion in reaction to an event, or we find ourselves trying to control everyone and everything around us. Either way, our mental well-being is in danger, especially if we find ourselves stuck in either scenario for long. It can be difficult for children  to get unstuck without some help from a parent or other adult. To give children the support they need when faced with this, parents must have a basic understanding of their child’s brain development. By incorporating this knowledge into interactions, parents can support children in learning and growing through a whole-brain approach.

 

To help us get a clear understanding of how these two extreme reactions can present in children,” Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson created the concept of the “river of well-being” in the book “The Whole-Brain Child.” Along the river of well-being, there are two banks: the “bank of chaos” located in the right brain, and “the bank of rigidity” located in the left brain.

 

The bank of chaos focuses on emotions rather than the content of an event. This side also receives input from the primitive “downstairs brain,” which, combined, creates strong feelings related to experiences and relationships. The waves of these intense emotions can lead to feeling overwhelmed or out of control. Up to about the age of 3 years old, children are primarily functioning from the right side of their brain. Due to their lack of language development, getting stuck on the “bank of chaos” can often happen. As children get older, they can better express themselves; however, the underdevelopment of the logical, “upstairs brain” still makes it difficult for them to avoid getting stuck on the right side.

 

On the left side of the “river of well-being” is the “bank of rigidity.” This side is very literal and creates structure in our minds. When children start asking “why,” parents will know the “left brain” has begun to respond. And while this integration is good, children that become emotionally overwhelmed can find themselves stuck on this bank where they become too literal and lose view of the whole picture. They will then avoid the strong feelings and end up in an “emotional desert.” When this happens, children will appear distant and say things such as “I don’t care” because they only hear the words and ignore non-verbal cues. This response makes them less willing to cooperate.

 

When children get stuck on either side of the river of well-being, parents must be attuned and respond accordingly. The SKILLZ Child Development approach helps parents implement the best tactic when faced with this. By applying the Parent SKILLZ techniques, parents connect with their children, are patient in responding, and nurture appropriate responses. Since during an emotional flood is not the time to insert logic, parents should “connect to the right” by validating their child’s emotions and helping them calm down. Once the child is more relaxed, then parents can “redirect to the left” and help the child brainstorm more logical reactions.

 

By promoting horizontal integration between the right and left sides of the brain, parents can create a more harmonious arrangement from which children can learn and grow. Understanding that the brain is influenced by the way we parent can help create opportunities for more vital brain coordination. This leads to healthier brain development and fosters a strong parent-child bond and leads to happier children.

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Child Development Centers: Give Your Child an Edge

 

Child Development Centers

Give Your Child an Edge

 

 

Programs for children are all around us. From day care centers to recreational sports and everything in between, options for parents to choose from are abounding. And although parents want what is best for their children, they often aren’t aware of the notable distinctions between the programs they are considering. To get the most out of any program, however, parents need to select one that is a “child development center.” These programs implement new, cutting-edge approaches that boost development in children. By making this choice, parents can be confident that they are giving their child a solid foundation for future success.

 

The best way for parents to start finding a top-notch child development program is to look at the curriculum. A developmentally appropriate, well-structured program that implements a detailed curriculum is essential. The curriculum should focus on the four areas of child development: physical, intellectual, emotional, and social so children receive the most benefit. But an important aspect of any curriculum is its implementation. Since we know that children learn best through play, parents should look for a program that integrates an age-appropriate play approach. This tactic will assure that children are engaged and happy while also fostering their development.

 

To execute a program such as this, well-trained child development specialists are crucial. These individuals should be well versed in developmental milestones and participate in ongoing training to enhance their existing certifications . In addition, individuals who are attuned to each child's specific needs are influential, creating a nurturing environment that supports growth. Since positive interactions with children are essential to creating emotional security, applying various techniques that support child and brain development are key. When specialists are knowledgeable, they can then translate any progress or areas of improvement easily to parents.  

 

To enhance child development programs even more, the implementation of techniques that boost healthy brain development are a primary focus. Since brain growth happens rapidly during the early years of life, increasing neural connections will foster fluid intelligence because children’s active memory is engaged during classes. Learning is then more exciting and becomes an active process that ultimately triggers the proper parts of the brain to enhance learning. This approach is the ultimate in brain training.

 

As a progressive child development center, SKILLZ has implemented the latest findings in child development, neuroscience, psychology, and learning styles into their program. The age-appropriate, structured curriculum is implemented by certified Pediatric Ninja Specialists through a game-based approach that stimulates the brain in a supportive and nurturing environment. And even better, this groundbreaking approach to child development is taught through a martial arts format.

 

Children deserve the chance to become the best version of themselves. By finding a quality child development center that has a robust and structured curriculum implemented by child development experts, parents can be confident that their children will succeed. Children participating in a program where they are happy and engaged while also being given the tools they need to be successful will promote optimal development and give them an edge on future endeavors.

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Empowering vs Enabling – The Fine Line of Parenting

 

Empowering vs Enabling – The Fine Line of Parenting

 

We live in a competitive world and most parents would jump at the chance to give their child every advantage imaginable. The world can also be unkind and, as parents, we feel a need to protect our children from everything possible. And yes, parents are supposed to help and protect their children but when does supporting children turn into overhelping? The difference between the two is a very fine line and is often very difficult to decipher.

 

Responsible parenting means proving food, clothing, and shelter, giving attention and love, and protecting our children from danger. It does not mean doing everything for them and protecting them from anything that may bring them grief. This type of parenting is excessive and can develop due to a parent’s fear, anxiety, or peer pressure from other parents. It can also be a way that parents overcompensate for the difficult childhood they experienced. Whatever the case, although the hyper-involvement comes from a place of love, it can actually hinder a child’s ability to achieve autonomy.

 

In child development terms, autonomy develops when children can function independently and have choices. Without this, they may experience what psychologist Erik Erikson called “shame and doubt.” This leads to decreased confidence and increased anxiety. And when parents make all the decisions and fix all the problems for their children, those children have underdeveloped coping and life skills. The goal should not be to raise dependent children but, instead, to raise resilient and confident ones.

 

In order for this to happen, parents must empower their children by teaching self-reliance. The goal is to raise children who are independent and stable on their own. For this to happen children must be allowed to make mistakes and learn to be resourceful in finding solutions to problems that present themselves. Parents can do this by supporting their children without completely removing themselves from the process. It is important for parents to be there for their children as a sounding board. This will help them develop healthy coping strategies and feel more confident in their decision making.

 

One way to do this is by letting children make mistakes in a safe environment. In the SKILLZ program, instructors utilize the classroom as a way to foster autonomy while teaching the skill of the day. By using Teaching SKILLZ such as “choices” and “intrinsic motivation,” instructors are providing opportunities for children to make their own decisions so they feel confident. And when a mistake is made, instructors use “re-direction” to get them back on track and try again.

 

The line between empowering and enabling is a very fine one. But as career and life coach Maura Koutoujian put it, “When a child is enabled, they miss out in the opportunity to cultivate intrinsic motivation - a critical component in developing accountability and self-confidence.” Although it’s hard for parents to see their children struggle, hurt and disappointment are a part of life and children need to develop ways to overcome those things on their own. Supportive parenting should always move children closer to independence and stability which will lead to resilient adults in the future.

 

What To Expect From Your New Ninja (Warrior)

 

What To Expect From Your New Warrior

 

Martial arts has a well-known benefit of helping children develop physical skills and improve in discipline. For this reason, parents often enroll their children in some type of martial arts in order to achieve goals such as these. And while attaining these goals are possible, parents often have unrealistic expectations of the time it actually takes for children to get there.

 

Of course, age, stage of development, as well as a myriad of other things go into exactly how quickly a specific child will accomplish a certain goal. But there is one thing is the same across the board. When children start martial arts, it is important for parents to remember that their child is starting a new sport, with new people, in a new environment, and learning new information. This would be a bit overwhelming for anyone. Certainly, older children may handle this pressure a little better, but parents should expect a certain amount of adjustment from any age.

 

The SKILLZ program’s age-specific curriculum was specifically designed to target individual age groups and work on skills that are essential for their stage of development. Within this framework, each age group is also broken down to address physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development that is appropriate for that age. By creating the program in this way, children are able to achieve more in a quicker amount of time because the goals are challenging but also achievable.

 

Parents, however, must keep in mind that children are all different and develop and attain goals at different times. In a specific age group, there are also children that have been in the class for a longer period of time and have worked on the skills for that age group longer. However, even for two children of the same age and starting at the same time, one may achieve a specific skill quicker than another.

 

Let’s take this from a different view as well. Even if parents aren’t comparing their child to another, they often feel that their child should achieve a certain goal after only a short time of training. While parents will see some development and improvement in skills after a few weeks, expecting them to suddenly have a specific skill mastered, after a short time, is unrealistic.

 

As they say, “slow and steady wins the race.” As children develop, we need to remember that they will get there when their bodies and minds are ready. Expecting certain things of a child that they are not physically, intellectual, emotionally, or socially ready for can do more harm than good. The key is to make sure there is consistent training and practice of the skills and celebrate small and steady wins along the way.

Age-Specific Curriculum : What It Really Means

 

Age-Specific Curriculum

What It Really Means

 

The term “age-specific” is used very often in education and healthcare. It has a very definite meaning and is used to describe things that are prepared specifically for the age of the child it is targeting. However, this term is often used more loosely, especially in the martial arts world, when referring to “age-specific classes.”

 

Many martial arts schools define their “age-specific” classes as children being divided up into classes by their age. And while this is very important, the actual curriculum being taught and the way it is taught, is the same across the board. That is like teaching math the same way to a 5-year-old as you do to a 10-year-old. Doing this creates frustration for the student and the teacher. Anything we teach should be done according to the child’s age and their stage of development.

 

To alleviate the dissatisfaction in children’s martial arts classes, the SKILLZ program was developed after years of research in the areas of child development, neuroscience, and psychology. The result, a child development course that uses martial arts as a vehicle for teaching. It is designed specifically for certain age groups based on the scientific facts that children at different ages have different motor skills and levels of intelligence. Therefore, providing them with a curriculum that applies this information is ground-breaking. 

 

The first step that SKILLZ took in the implementation of this was to separate classes by age group. Once research was complete, it was found that the children needed to be divided up in the following way: 3-4 year old’s, 5-6 year old’s, 7-9 year old’s, and 10-14 year old’s. These SKILLZ levels are broken down this way so that each age group can receive the best training based on their current abilities as well as areas they need to improve on.

 

The second step that was taken was to create a curriculum that teaches martial arts at a level that is challenging yet attainable for each age group. This was possible because a specific program was created for each level. In each of these levels, a set of 8 skills were formed that would challenge that particular age group while also building on the foundation that they already had. Teaching martial arts within this helps children learn martial arts but at a level that makes goals attainable for them.

 

The last piece that was important in the development of the SKILLZ program was for the instructors to be trained to understand the stages of development so that they know what to expect and what not to expect from each age level. In addition to this, the instructors are trained on the 8 Teaching SKILLZ and the 10 Laws of Instruction so that each student is receiving individual attention according to their specific needs as well as completing goals that were set for each age group.

 

 A children’s martial arts program should be fun and engaging for both the student and the instructor. Creating classes that are truly age-specific is key in making this happen. When this takes place, the martial arts class becomes more of a child development course, which will provide more benefits to the child and will help them learn and retain the actual martial arts material better. When classes are developed this way, they become more powerful, fun, and easier than ever.

Parent SKILLZ - Attunement

 Attunement

Do you ever feel like you can read your child’s mind?  You know what they are going to do or say next because they have had the same reaction before?  This is attunement.  Improving your attunement skills will allow you to create a more patient and understanding relationship with your child.                   

1.      Modify Your Child’s Behavior:

Be attuned to your child’s anxieties and try a creative approach that allows them to focus on positive behaviors and interactions instead of their anxieties or stresses. 

If you are attuned to the fact that your child has anxiety about going to school in the morning, for instance, help them relieve their stress by adding some interactive play time with them before school.  This will boost their endorphins, so they feel good and less stressed.  Allowing them to run off some of their energy in the morning creates a positive and consistent change in their behavior.    

2.      Wait for the Right time    

Applying patience is an attunement-builder because when you understand your child’s mood you can eliminate some of the common struggles you have with them.

If your child wakes up happy most mornings, but grumpy after naps on the weekend (like my son!), you are already attuned to expect that behavior.  It might be better to wait, or to be patient, until they feel a little less grumpy to talk to them or ask them to do something. You will get better results that way, and they will be less grumpy when they respond.

3.      Understand Your Child’s Stage of Development 

Being attuned to your child’s stages of development will break some of the assumptions that you have about them, which will improve your relationship and understanding with your child.   

When you ask a 3 to 4-year old to sit on the floor, they seem to roll around a lot.  Are they not paying attention?  Chances are that part of their behavior is due to their physical stage of development.  Physically, it is uncomfortable in their core muscles to sit on the floor for long without rolling back.   

Similarly, 10 to 14-year old’s seem lazy.  They look like they do not have enough energy to take the trash out after watching a movie.  What’s really going on here? Research shows that they are literally physically, scientifically exhausted.  Their body and brain are changing from kid versions to adult versions, which makes them seem less than smart and overly lazy. 

By being attuned to their stages of development, you can communicate better with them knowing what to expect and why.

4.      Anticipate Language Barriers

Being attuned to your child’s development in language skills will help you understand their responses and reactions, and not get frustrated if they only respond to bits and piece of what you ask.  If you learned a foreign language for only a few years and heard a conversation among fluent speakers, would you understand it completely or only be able to pick out a word, phrase or topic here and there? 

If several children hear, “Molly, can you come here” it is possible that several of them will come running instead of just Molly.  This is because they only heard the instructional phrase and not necessarily the name.  Kids apply the only language skills that they have at their age of development, which for a 3 or 4-year-old is only 3 or 4 years!

5.      Practice Response Flexibility

Probably the best thing you can do to improve your reactions as a parent is to practice response flexibility.  This means being flexible with your child’s mood and deciding what must be finished immediately, and what can wait.  Or, realizing that it is not necessary to be harsh every time something bad happens.   

Recently my son decided it was a good idea to do a flip on top of me when I was on the couch and busted my nose.  Instead of yelling at him, I used response flexibility and kept my reaction in perspective because I know that he didn’t do it on purpose.  He was playing, and I had to keep that in perspective. Explaining what happened to them and using it as a teaching moment is a more responsible way to respond using response flexibility.      

Attunement all comes down to how well you know your child and their moods, and how well you know yourself.  Start thinking about how you can help your child use the right behaviors by being more attuned to their development, behaviors, language skills and mood, and most importantly, try to practice response flexibility when the unexpected happens. Sometimes your child will learn more from how you respond than from what you say.

Warrior Kids - Little Warrior (Ages 7-9)

Working on speed kicks with our little warriors (Ages 7-9) at this age they are working on Control, Coordination, Balance & Fitness in their Physical stage of development. This also teaches some advanced stages of development and allows the students to excel and grow! With our lesson on Integrity we add Intellectual, Emotional and Social stages of development.