Parent SKILLZ - Adaptability - Adaptability is about how you respond to your child, especially when things do not go as planned.

                              Adaptability

Adaptability is about how you respond to your child, especially when things do not go as planned.  Your child will have a variety of great days, bad days, and everything in between. Here are a few ways you can apply adaptability to your parenting and keep your child motivated:   

Intrinsic Motivation:

1.       Choices

What do you do if your child does not want to do something?

You can intrinsically motivate them by allowing them to make choices or small decisions.  Before I began using healthy competition to encourage my child to brush his teeth, I had to physically put the toothbrush in his mouth and brush for him.  I eventually realized that I had to adapt differently because it was not working. He needed to learn to brush himself. 

I took him to the store and let him pick out 2 toothbrushes to get him more interested in brushing his own teeth.  Being adaptable meant giving him some choices so he felt more involved and motivated.   Now he has 24 toothbrushes!  

If your child is a picky eater, try giving them choices about what you buy at the grocery store for dinner.  Let them pick if they want chicken or steak, for instance.  Then, pick out a couple of good options and let them pick again.  Now they have a vested interest in the meal.  Finally, get them involved in making dinner, emphasizing that they helped to pick out the food that is being served for dinner.  Take it a step further and work on creating a recipe together.  

2.       Make it Exciting

Build up the excitement when you want or need your child to do something.  If you tell a bunch of 7 to 9-year-old children to do push-ups, for example, do you think they will be excited?  Instead, if you give them options and motivated instructions, they will excel.

Do you think they would rather do just a few push-ups or would they do more if you told them that they would become “one of the most awesome and strong students in class!” by doing a few more?  Chances are that they will choose to become awesome and strong.  This type of intrinsic motivation excites them to make an extra effort.    

3.       Compromise

Another form of adaptability through intrinsic motivation is compromising when responding to your child’s requests.  If your child comes home from school and wants a treat, but you want him to wait for dinner first, they may throw a temper tantrum or get upset because they didn’t get their way.

Providing a compromise that doesn’t affect their appetite before dinner but allows them to get what they want keeps the situation in perspective.  For example, let them know that they can have two gummy bears out of the bag now, and the rest after dinner.  This is a way to adapt to their request and keeps within your rules about not eating snacks that will spoil their appetite for dinner.

 

Extrinsic Motivation

4.       Kids Like to See You Suffer!

Sometimes you need to pull out the pain card! Kids like to see you suffer or pay the price in some way.  You may use an extrinsic motivation such as, “If you can do this drill without any mistakes, I’ll do push-ups!”  They want to see you suffer through the push-ups, and they will do whatever it takes to make you have to do them.  

I use this concept with my son.  If he starts to procrastinate just as we are headed out the door, I use healthy competition and extrinsic motivation to get him moving! I tell him that if he runs to the car faster than me, I’ll do ten jumping jacks.  He wins the race every time because he really wants me to do the jumping jacks.  Then, he counts everyone one of them off as I do them. Being an adaptable parent means using external motivation when necessary.

As you consider your level of adaptability today, ask yourself if you ever apply similar intrinsic or extrinsic motivation to your child.  If not, consider adding them to your parenting tool kit.  Your child’s behavior will change based on their mood, so the best way to parent is to adapt to their day as best as possible.

 

Nurturing

 Nurturing

Being a nurturing parent means adjusting your child’s behaviors, not trying to change them. In other words, change the behavior, not the child.

1. Let them Know that Mistakes are Okay

I get excited when my son makes a mistake because it gives me the opportunity to teach him, which is what parenting is all about. Address your child’s mistakes in a nurturing way to help them learn and grow without feeling bad about themselves. Let your child know that everyone makes mistakes. Don’t get angry at them when they make a mistake but take the time to explain how they can do better next time. Look at it as a time to help your child improve so they can feel good about who they are. The most important thing is to let them know that mistakes are okay.

2. Redefine Their Weaknesses

Every child has behavioral weaknesses. Some get mad when they don’t win and physically show their anger by acting out. Others are very sensitive and cry every time they are disappointed or sad. From one end of the spectrum to the other, your child will have a range of emotions.

The first key to redefining your child’s behavior is to redefine your perspective. For example, you may think that the only thing you can do to alleviate your child acting like a poor sport is to remove them from situations that trigger these behaviors, like eliminating sports from their schedule.

Or, if your child cries at the drop of the hat, you may decide that they should not participate in situations where they may cry yet another time. This perspective focuses on the child and not the behavior.

Instead, turn your attention to what their behavior really means and create a course of action that helps them funnel their personalities and behaviors in a more positive and productive way, which begins with nourishing and not negating their innate passions and skills.

3. Nourish their Skills

If you look ahead to a scenario in the future, you can see how a child who was identified as bull-headed or a bad sport might use that passion and fire that drove him to want to be the best into becoming an amazing CEO of a company, dedicated and committed to being the very best.

Or, the child who cries a lot may become an adult of compassion and empathy, a caring parent, and a person who wants to change the world for the better. None of this can happen if their behaviors are stifled instead of explored.

Try not to stifle the passions and emotions that make your child who they are. Instead, consider how you can help them modify their behaviors so that their passions and innate talents are nourished as they grow. This requires providing ways that they can be who they are through positive reinforcement of who they already are, which ultimately helps them become thriving and successful adults.

4. Choose the Direction

So, how do we get from here to there, from the spoiled brat to a successful CEO, for instance; or, from crybaby to the caring parent and teacher? The key is to point their behavior in the right direction. The best way to deal with your child’s behaviors is to turn them into strengths.

For the child who gets upset when he loses, you might adjust their behavior by saying, “I love that passion that you have, but let’s work together on other ways you can express that passion and desire to others” instead of the common “If you do that again, you’re out” mindset.

For the child who cries often, don’t shame them into thinking that they must toughen up. Instead, let them know that you love their heart. Tell them, “I love that you get sad when you lose because you want to do better. But, crying all the time makes other people sad, too. Let’s see if you can choose a better way to show that you are sad than just crying.”

Remember, nurturing means changing the behavior, not the child. No child is born with a proper sense of good behavior. Just like adults, they make mistakes and that is how they learn. Make sure to look at their mistakes as opportunities for education versus punishment.

The moral of the story is that when you look at your child, don’t focus on their behaviors. Instead, see the child who will one day use their passion to become an amazing adult one day. See them as an amazing CEO or a person who is going to change the world for the better one day, and go from there.