Decoding Your Child's Behavior: Part 2: Decoding the Language of the Nervous System: Red, Blue, and Green Pathways

 

Blog Series Title: Decoding Your Child's Behavior: A Compassionate Approach to Raising Thriving Kids

Part 2: Decoding the Language of the Nervous System: Red, Blue, and Green Pathways

Introduction:

In Part 1 of our series, we learned that challenging behaviors are often a sign of a child who is struggling, not a child who is trying to be difficult. We explored the "iceberg model," recognizing that the behavior we see is just the tip, with a whole world of emotions, sensations, and unmet needs hidden beneath the surface. We also discussed the concept of the "body budget" and how stress can deplete a child's resources, making it harder for them to regulate their emotions and behaviors.

Now, in Part 2, we're going to dive deeper into the fascinating workings of the nervous system. Understanding how your child's nervous system operates is key to understanding their behavior. We'll be exploring Dr. Mona Delahooke's framework of the three pathways – Red, Blue, and Green – which provides a powerful roadmap for decoding the language of the nervous system and helping our children navigate the ups and downs of life.

The Autonomic Nervous System: Your Child's Internal Control Center

Before we jump into the three pathways, let's take a moment to understand the autonomic nervous system (ANS). This is the part of the nervous system that controls many of our body's automatic functions, such as heart rate, breathing, digestion, and even our stress response. It operates largely outside of our conscious control.

The ANS has two main branches:

• The Sympathetic Nervous System: This is the "gas pedal" of the nervous system. It's responsible for the "fight-or-flight" response, mobilizing the body for action in the face of a perceived threat.
• The Parasympathetic Nervous System: This is the "brake pedal" of the nervous system. It promotes rest, relaxation, and digestion – the "rest-and-digest" state.

These two branches work together to maintain balance in the body, but when a child is under stress, the sympathetic nervous system often takes over, leading to those challenging behaviors we see. This can be triggered by anything the child's brain perceives as unsafe.

Meet the Three Pathways: Red, Blue, and Green

Dr. Delahooke, drawing on the Polyvagal Theory developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, describes three distinct pathways that reflect different states of the nervous system. These pathways provide a helpful framework for understanding how a child is feeling and what they need in any given moment.

1. The Red Pathway: Fight-or-Flight

When a child's nervous system perceives a threat, real or imagined, it activates the Red Pathway. This is the sympathetic nervous system in full swing, preparing the body for action. Think of it as the "fight-or-flight" mode.

What does the Red Pathway look like?

• Behavior: A child in the Red Pathway might display behaviors like:

  • Aggression (hitting, kicking, biting)
  • Defiance (refusing to cooperate, arguing)
  • Meltdowns (crying, screaming, tantrums)
  • Running away or hiding
  • Anxiety or panic
  • Hyperactivity or restlessness

• Physiology: Their body is flooded with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. You might observe:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Rapid breathing
  • Muscle tension
  • Sweating
  • Dilated pupils

• Internal State: The child is feeling overwhelmed, scared, anxious, or angry. They are not in control of their behavior; their survival instincts have taken over.

Examples:

• A child who has a meltdown when asked to turn off a video game.
• A child who hits their sibling when they feel frustrated.
• A child who runs away and hides when faced with a difficult task.
• A child who refuses to go to school because of anxiety.

2. The Blue Pathway: The Freeze Response

Sometimes, when the stress is too intense or prolonged, the nervous system shifts into a different kind of defensive state – the Blue Pathway. This is often referred to as the "freeze" response. Instead of fighting or fleeing, the child essentially shuts down.

What does the Blue Pathway look like?

• Behavior: A child in the Blue Pathway might exhibit:

  • Withdrawal (becoming quiet and unresponsive)
  • Dissociation (seeming "spaced out" or disconnected)
  • Inability to move or speak
  • Lethargy or fatigue
  • Lack of eye contact
  • Compliance but without real engagement

• Physiology: The body is in a state of conservation, trying to conserve energy. You might notice:

  • Slowed heart rate
  • Shallow breathing
  • Low muscle tone
  • Pale skin

• Internal State: The child is feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and disconnected. They may feel numb or detached from their surroundings.

Examples:

• A child who "zones out" during class and can't answer questions.
• A child who becomes completely silent and withdrawn after being yelled at.
• A child who doesn't respond when spoken to and seems to be in their own world.
• A child who doesn't move from their spot, even after multiple requests.

3. The Green Pathway: The Safe and Social State

This is the state we want our children to be in as much as possible. The Green Pathway is associated with feelings of safety, connection, and calm. It's when the parasympathetic nervous system is dominant, allowing for rest, digestion, and social engagement. This is when the child feels safe enough to come out of the red or blue pathway.

What does the Green Pathway look like?

• Behavior: A child in the Green Pathway is:

  • Cooperative and engaged
  • Able to learn and problem-solve
  • Expressing themselves appropriately
  • Showing empathy and compassion
  • Playing and interacting with others

• Physiology: Their body is in a relaxed state:

  • Normal heart rate
  • Regular breathing
  • Relaxed muscles

• Internal State: The child feels safe, secure, loved, and connected. They are able to access their "thinking brain" and regulate their emotions effectively.

Examples:

• A child who is happily playing with friends.
• A child who is focused and engaged in learning.
• A child who can calmly express their needs and feelings.
• A child who is able to follow instructions and cooperate with adults.

Neuroception: Your Child's Internal Radar System

So, how does a child's nervous system decide which pathway to activate? This is where the concept of "neuroception" comes in. Neuroception, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, describes the unconscious process by which our nervous system constantly scans the environment for cues of safety or threat. It is like an internal radar system, operating below the level of conscious awareness.

Neuroception takes into account a wide range of factors, including:

• External Environment: Is the environment loud, chaotic, or unpredictable? Are there unfamiliar people or situations?
• Internal Sensations: Is the child hungry, tired, or in pain? Are they experiencing any uncomfortable bodily sensations?
• Relational Cues: What is the tone of voice and facial expression of the people around them? Do they feel connected and supported, or do they sense tension and disapproval?

Based on this continuous assessment, the nervous system makes a split-second decision about which pathway to activate. If neuroception detects safety, the Green Pathway is engaged. But if it detects a threat, even a perceived one, the Red or Blue Pathway is activated.

It is important to understand that neuroception is not a conscious process. A child doesn't choose to go into fight-or-flight mode. Their nervous system makes that decision automatically based on its assessment of the situation. This is why it is so important not to take these behaviors personally.

Actionable Tip: Start Tracking the Pathways

Now that you have a better understanding of the three pathways, start observing your child's behavior through this lens. Keep a journal and try to identify which pathway they're on throughout the day.

Here's what to track in your journal:

• Date and Time:
• Situation: What was happening at the time?
• Behavior: What did your child do or say?
• Physiological Signs: What did you notice about their body (e.g., heart rate, breathing, muscle tension)?
• Pathway: Based on your observations, which pathway do you think they were on (Red, Blue, or Green)?
• Possible Triggers: What might have contributed to their state?

Conclusion:

Understanding the language of the nervous system is a powerful tool for parents. By learning to recognize the Red, Blue, and Green Pathways, we can gain valuable insights into our children's inner world and respond to their needs with greater empathy and effectiveness. Instead of seeing challenging behaviors as intentional acts of defiance, we can start to see them as signals that our child's nervous system is in a state of stress. In the next part of this series, we'll explore practical strategies for helping our children move towards the Green Pathway – the place of calm, connection, and optimal learning. We will learn how to use the power of co-regulation to create a safe harbor where our children can thrive.